What to Do If Your Spouse Has Already Hired a Lawyer
You found out. Maybe it was a credit card charge you weren’t supposed to see. Maybe a friend told you. Maybe your spouse left a retainer agreement on the counter, and you stood there reading it while your coffee went cold.
However you learned it, you know one thing: they moved first. They’ve been planning while you’ve been living a lie. They have a strategy, and you don’t even have a lawyer.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably somewhere between rage and fear. Maybe part of you knew but refused to believe. Anger and fear lead to blind panic. This is the point that choices are made that will affect you and your family forever. While you absorb all of this, remember one thing, maintain control of yourself, you must. Over the next 6 to 18 months, the only thing you can truly control is you. Hold fast to that.
For this moment, however, take a breath. You’re not as far behind as you think.
You Have a Window — Use It
Here’s what your spouse hiring a lawyer actually means: they’re preparing. That’s it. You haven’t been served, so pleadings probably haven’t been filed yet, but the clock is running.
This is your window. It might be weeks before service, it could also be days or even hours. But right now, you have time to prepare — and how you use this time matters more than you realize.
The worst thing you can do right now is freeze. The second worst thing is to panic and do something reckless — confront your spouse, drain accounts, pack bags, make threats. Both responses will cost you.
The best thing you can do? Act quietly, strategically…. Now.
Talk to Someone.
Before you talk to a lawyer, consider talking to a close friend or even a therapist.
This might sound strange. Your spouse just hired legal counsel and I’m telling you to find a counselor? Yes. Here’s why:
You’re about to make some of the most important decisions of your life. You’ll be making them while scared, hurt, angry, or all three. A therapist, or good friend, will give you space to process what you’re feeling so that your emotions inform your decisions instead of hijacking them.
Therapy also creates a contemporaneous record. If your mental health, fitness as a parent, or state of mind ever becomes an issue — and in contentious divorces, it often does — you’ll have documentation of someone who was working on themselves, seeking support, and taking the situation seriously.
And frankly? Therapy just helps. What you’re going through is hard. You don’t have to white-knuckle it alone.
A Hard Truth: Where Do You Stand?
Two very different people might be reading this page right now. I want to speak to both of you.
If You Have Something to Answer For
Maybe the drinking got out of hand, maybe drugs, maybe your anger has gone too far. Maybe there was, or is, someone else. Maybe there’s an arrest in your past, an incident the neighbors saw, text messages you wish you could delete.
If that’s you, hear this clearly: opposing counsel is going to find it. Whatever it is. The question isn’t whether it comes out, it’s when. The question is whether it comes out as an accusation you’re scrambling to explain, or as a chapter in a story of change you’ve already written.
Six months of sobriety before papers are filed looks like transformation. Six months of sobriety after you’re accused looks like strategy. Same action. Completely different optics. Judges aren’t stupid. They’ve seen the ‘I found religion after I got caught’ routine a thousand times.
This is your window to become the person you should have been. Get into therapy, get into treatment, attend anger management. Address the thing you’ve been avoiding. Not because it’ll look good in court — though it will — but because your marriage is ending, and who do you want to be on the other side?
Crisis is a crucible. Let it purify you.
You can call an attorney at any time, but if you have time to start healing yourself first, by all means do so.
If You’ve Been Suffering
Maybe you’re on the other side of this. Maybe he controls the money and you don’t know how you’ll afford groceries, let alone a lawyer. Maybe she’s ‘the smart one’ and you’ve spent years believing you couldn’t survive without her. Maybe there’s been abuse — physical, emotional, financial — and you’ve been too scared or too beaten down to leave.
If that’s you, hear this: you are not as powerless as you’ve been made to believe.
Louisiana law can require your spouse to pay your attorney’s fees. Interim spousal support exists to help the financially dependent spouse survive during the divorce process. The abuse you’ve been hiding — the bruises, the way the children flinch — that’s evidence, and documenting it now matters.
Call 911 the moment you feel threatened. Do not hesitate to protect yourself.
You might think your spouse hiring a lawyer means the walls are closing in. It might actually be the beginning of your freedom. Talk to an attorney. Many offer free consultations. Domestic violence organizations can help you find resources. You have more options than you know.
What to Do Right Now
Take an honest look at yourself. When all the things hidden are brought to light, what will the court see? How can you improve yourself. How can you become better?
Consult a lawyer. You don’t have to retain anyone today. But you need to understand your rights, your exposure, and what the process looks like. A consultation is information, not commitment. Many people find that talking to an attorney reduces their anxiety because the unknown becomes known.
Educate yourself about your finances. If you weren’t the ‘money person’ in the marriage, you may not actually know what you have. Bank accounts, retirement accounts, debts, property, income, monthly expenses — start gathering this information. You’re not hiding assets. You are learning your own financial reality.
Locate important documents. Tax returns, pay stubs, mortgage statements, vehicle titles, insurance policies, your children’s records. Get a scanner app on your phone. Make copies of anything important. If things turn contentious, access can become a problem.
Think about your children. What does their daily life look like? Who handles what? What kind of relationship do they have with each parent? You don’t need answers yet, but these questions will matter.
Build your support system. You need people — and not just a lawyer. Who can you talk to honestly? Do you have family who can provide practical support? Have you considered therapy? Isolation makes everything harder.
What NOT to Do
Don’t confront your spouse. Not yet. Not until you’ve consulted an attorney and have a plan. Emotional confrontations rarely produce useful information, and they often trigger defensive responses — hidden assets, preemptive legal action, attempts to control the narrative.
Don’t make major financial moves. Don’t drain accounts, run up debt, or make large purchases. Courts notice. It creates problems.
Don’t move out without legal advice. Leaving the marital home can have consequences for custody and property division. There are exceptions — if you’re in danger, if there’s abuse — but don’t make this move without understanding the implications.
Don’t vent on social media. That cryptic post, that angry subtweet, that photo at the bar — it’s all discoverable. Assume opposing counsel is watching.
Don’t involve your children. Whatever you’re feeling about your spouse, your children need to be protected from the middle of it. They are not your confidants. They are not your spies. They are not your messengers. They’re your kids and you need to protect them now more than ever.
The Thirty-Year View
If you have children, I need you to think past the next hearing. I need you to think about the next thirty years.
Your children are watching. Even when you think they’re not. How you handle this — whether it ends in divorce or reconciliation — will shape how they understand conflict, marriage, and resilience for the rest of their lives.
I was divorced three times before becoming a lawyer. My children are now in their thirties, and I need them more than I ever have. That relationship didn’t happen by accident. It was built over decades, in moments large and small — the majority being how I handled conflict, how I stayed strong during the darkest times of my life. Of course I made mistakes, some of them I am still answering for, but that is why I do what I do. I can keep you from making the mistakes I have, the mistakes I see people make every single day.
Your kids will remember. They’ll remember who was bitter and who was gracious. Who put them in the middle and who shielded them. Who attacked and who turned the other cheek. Most importantly, who made them choose sides and who gave them permission to love both parents.
Your lives with your children do not end when they turn 18. It continues, God willing, through 21, when they are old enough to drink, which is a nightmare that never ends. How about Thanksgiving when they’re 25 and bringing home the love of their life. The heartbreak or disappointment that drives a phone call when they’re scared and need to feel safe. The wedding. The grandchildren. Everything up until the last time you hold their hand, all of it — all of it — will be shaped by what you do right now. When you’re panicked and hurt and your spouse just hired a lawyer and you want to say ‘your father is a…’ or ‘your mother never…’
Don’t.
A momentary lapse of reason now could affect the rest of your life.
Louisiana: What You Should Know
If you’re in Louisiana, a few realities are worth understanding early:
Community Property. Louisiana is a community property state. Generally, anything acquired during the marriage belongs to both spouses equally, regardless of whose name is on it. This affects everything from the house to retirement accounts.
Waiting Periods. Louisiana requires living separate and apart before a divorce can be finalized — 365 days if you have minor children, 180 days without. The clock typically starts when papers are filed or when you begin living apart, whichever comes first.
Interim Support. If you’re financially dependent, you may be entitled to interim spousal support during the divorce process. This can include having your spouse pay your attorney’s fees.
Custody Standards. Louisiana courts decide custody based on the ‘best interest of the child.’ There’s no automatic presumption favoring mothers or fathers. What matters is the child’s relationship with each parent, stability, any history of abuse or substance issues, and sometimes the child’s own preference.
Finding the Right Lawyer
Not every family law attorney approaches divorce the same way. Some see it as warfare. They’ll fan the flames because conflict means billable hours. Some line them up and assembly line the process, ending quickly, but leaves holes in the orders of the court that can plague you for years.
We take a different view. Divorce is hard enough without lawyers making it harder. When the smoke clears, you and your spouse may still have to sit in the same bleachers at a baseball game. You may still have to hand a child back and forth every other weekend for the next decade. You have to figure out how to be parents even if you can’t be partners.
The other spouse doesn’t have to be the enemy. Sometimes they are — when there’s abuse, when there’s danger, when children need protection. But often, they’re just another person whose marriage didn’t work, trying to figure out what comes next.
At Diamond Law, we believe in wellness, growth, strength, tradition, and care. We fight hard when fighting is required. But we never lose sight of the fact that our clients are people, not cases — and that the goal isn’t to win the divorce. The goal is to build a life worth living on the other side of it.
You’re Not Behind, you were just unaware.
Finding out your spouse hired a lawyer is jarring. It feels like betrayal, like ambush, like the ground shifting under your feet.
But you’re not too late. Now you know. You have a window. The best time to prepare was before you found out. The second best time is now.
Call a friend. Get a therapist. Get a lawyer. Get informed. Take care of yourself, and protect your children from the crossfire.
And when you’re ready, we’re here.
Jay Diamond is a family law attorney at Diamond Law LLC in New Orleans, Louisiana. He represents clients in divorce, custody, and family law matters across Orleans Parish and the surrounding areas. If you’ve learned your spouse has hired a lawyer and need to understand your options, you can schedule a confidential consultation by calling (504) 930-4988 or visiting diamondlawnola.com.
